As hard as it is to not have Nastassia with us, I'm really learning to look forward to the month of May and the activities we've decided to make into annual family traditions to help us honor and remember our sweet little angel baby. It's really great timing as these events are just a few weeks after her birthday.
Remembering
On Saturday morning, May 10th, we headed up Provo canyon for a Walk of Remembrance with other families in the county who have also lost babies. It's amazing how much strength you can draw from being around people who have gone through a similar experience, even if you don't even really talk to any of them. I really look forward to the Walk of Remembrance each year since losing Nastassia and was SUPER disappointed when we missed it last year because the invitation didn't come in the mail until the afternoon after it had already happened.
The morning was a little chilly, but it was so very nice to be up the canyon together as a family. It was completely perfect that we heard Sarah McLaughlin's "Angel" on the radio on our way up there. I had a hard time holding back the tears as it made me think so much of Nastassia.
They served us a little bunch plate when we first arrived. Savannah just wanted walk around with her strawberry :)
Our amazingly awesome bereavement nurse, Heather Walker, addressed the group for a few minutes. One thing she said that really stuck with me was a quote by A.A. Milne (the author of Winnie the Pooh): "Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart." I really love that quote!! Another lady then read the names of all our babies we were there to honor and we had a moment of silence. We were then given balloons to release on behalf of our babies. We chose yellow because it always reminds us of Stassia.
Our little family with our Nastassia balloon
Instructing Aurora how to release the balloon--the opposite of what we usually tell her to do with balloons :) She didn't want to let it go.
Someone's purple balloon got caught in a tree and did not want to let go. It did get loose eventually though.
Savannah was pretty excited about all the balloons :)
I thought it was pretty cool that there was a big flock of Canadian geese that flew over in a great big "V" just as we released all the balloons. It was neat to watch the balloons follow the geese until the geese (and balloons) were out of sight.
After Aurora let the balloon go she said, "Mommy, I miss my balloon." I said she misses her balloon like we all miss Nastassia, and she agreed. I love that Aurora tells us so frequently that Nastassia is in her tummy. I always tell her that it's good because she's safe and warm in there :) It cracks me up that Nastassia eats Aurora's food after it's in her tummy. She tells us when Nastassia is sleeping and that she doesn't like to be poked (when we tickle Aurora's tummy). Nastassia isn't with us physically, but she's still very much in our thoughts and a part of our daily lives. Darwin and I frequently thank our Father in Heaven that we were able to provide a body for her precious little spirit and look forward to being reunited with her some day.
Before we left we got a couple goodie bags with a neat little poem attached:
Grief never ends,
But it changes.
It's a passage,
not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness,
nor a lack of faith,
It is the price of love.
-Author Unknown
That's a great piece to hold on to for a long time too!
Running
The next Saturday, May 17th, we ventured up to Thanksgiving Point Gardens to run in the
Running with Angels 5k. It's my absolute most favorite 5k to run/walk depending on our family circumstances that particular year. We've run it straight through twice now, but walked it last year when Savannah was just tiny, and we got soaked to the bone in a really awesome rain storm. The weather was perfect this year though! It really couldn't have been better. This year was special because it was the 10 year anniversary of the run. We saw a couple friends from our ward there who have also lost babies, and another friend who has moved away from us but she volunteers every year and feeds us the yummy goodies at the end of the race. It was great to see you, Lonny!
We don't have a double jogging stroller, but we make our single work. Thanks for teaching us this awesome trick, Trace!
Savannah woke up with a fever that morning, but she was a champ during the whole thing! I'm sure it helped that she had Hopson, her binky, big sister, and snacks :)
We were in a bad place for taking pictures of the dove release this year, but it's one of my favorite things about this race. It just makes it that much more special.
Our little family after the race (photo taken by our awesome bereavement nurse, Heather Walker, who I mentioned above. She and her husband have lost 2 babies.)
We made our own customized t-shirts this year, and plan to use them again in the future. We didn't get very good pictures of them, but they have the Running with Angels logo on the front and a picture of Nastassia on the back which you can kind of see here:
Together back at home after our run
I wish we could run and take pictures at the same time because Thanksgiving Point is beautiful always, but especially this time of year when they have their Tulip Festival going on. At one point we were running through a twisty part of the trail surrounded by beautiful flowers and Aurora yelled back to us from the stroller, "This is the best day ever! I LOVE running!" Haha. I love running too, babe.
Darwin and I thought it was pretty funny that our running time was almost exactly what it was the first time we ran it. We were just a few seconds faster this time. I thought for sure we had a better run, but I guess it was just wishful thinking. We took turns pushing the stroller towards the end because the girls were starting to feel heavy in the stroller together, especially running up the few hills at the end.
Overall, this is one of my most favorite traditions of the year and I always look forward to it and watching our family evolve as we run/walk it together each year. I was especially touched at the end of the race as we went around checking out the booths. At one booth was a group called
Angel Outfitters and they had the tiny little blankets, diapers, hats, etc. displayed that they make for the babies who pass away in the hospital or are stillborn. In talking to one of the ladies at the table, I mentioned to her that we didn't get to keep the hat Nastassia was given at the hospital and how badly I had wanted to hold onto it (I wanted to hold on to every little piece of her that I could because I knew I couldn't keep
her!) The super sweet lady said, "I have something for you." She dug around in her box for a minute and came back to me with a tiny little hat like the one Nastassia wore. She told me she had brought one extra tiny girl hat with her but didn't know why and realized just then that it must have been for me. I immediately broke down in tears and was so touched by her kindness. I can't even explain what it meant to me that she gave me that tiny little hat to hold on to. I'm having a hard time holding back the tears now as type this. It truly means the world to me to have that tiny little hat.
Thinking of you always, Nastassia. Wish you were here!
We love you!
DARWIN is on his 12th year of teaching, currently at Springville High School teaching astronomy, geology, environmental science, and physics. He also teaches physics at UVU for a 7 week STEM summer school program for junior high students. He also teaches teenagers in our church ward. He's super busy, but still makes time to be an awesome dad and husband.
