Nastassia Grace Deming 4.7.12

The short time we had to think about and ponder over our coming child was short, but our lives are better because of her and the knowledge that if we are faithful we will have the opportunity to not only see our beautiful little daughter again, but we will be privileged to raise her in the next life. Our spirits are eternal. Our mortal life is limited, and a time to be tested. I sure hope now, more than ever, that I will be blessed to be with my family for eternity.

The clearest ultrasound picture we got of Nastassia's cystic hygroma. You can see how severe it was--about half the size of her head, and the growth down her back too.

On Friday, April 6th, at our 16 week appointment we found out that our tiny little baby no longer had a heartbeat and it was confirmed by an ultrasound. We were sent to the hospital a short while later to deliver our still child. We had amniocentesis done before I was induced in order to determine if our baby had a chromosomal disorder (which is what we've been told since the first ultrasound). From the amnio results we received a few days later, it was confirmed that our baby had trisomy 21, more commonly known as Down's Syndrome. We found out today that she didn't have the hereditary form of Down's Syndrome, and we have a 1% chance of having another baby with Down's Syndrome. That's the good news in all of this :)

As we were going into the hospital we decided we wanted to name our little girl

Nastassia Grace

We both liked it and felt that Grace was appropriate given the circumstance. Later in the hospital while we were waiting to deliver our baby, Darwin remembered a reference to the name Nastassia (we pronounce it Na-stay-jya). It is a form of the name Anastasia. In the animated movie Anastasia, they refer to her name meaning "She will rise again." Darwin looked up the name and it means "Resurrection." This deeply touched our hearts and we thought it was most appropriate given the Easter weekend, and knowing that our baby girl wouldn't have the experience of living her mortal life here on earth.

Nastassia's tiny little molds - compared to a dime.

I was given the first induction medication at 8:15pm Friday night and our little girl was delivered at 3:54am on Saturday April 7, 2012. We weren't sure we wanted to see her at first, knowing she had the cystic hygroma and lack of development, but I am so grateful now that we chose to hold her and take what time we could get with her. It was hard to see her, but I will always hold onto knowing that the next time we see her she will have a perfect little body and that she will never have to suffer in a body that was less than perfect. Nastassia was 6 inches long and weighed only 2 ounces. Although she was so very tiny, and never had the chance to become a fully developed baby, she has already impacted our lives enormously! I am so grateful to have been able to carry her for 16.5 weeks. Even though I sincerely hoped to be able to carry her longer, I am grateful for the time I did have with her.
Going to the hospital to deliver our lifeless baby girl and knowing we wouldn't be coming home with her broke my heart. Fortunately, we have a wonderful doctor who takes such great care of our little family, and we love her dearly! Her tenderness and concern for Darwin and I helped make things a little easier for us. We also had great nurses who are experienced in working with parents who go through the same or similar situations as ours, and we will forever cherish the keepsakes we were given at the hospital to remember our little Nastassia--the tiny hand and foot prints, the molds that were taken of her hands and feet, the blanket she was lovingly wrapped in, the mother-baby bracelet I was given, and the beautiful book of thoughts and poems written by other parents who have had the unfortunate experience of losing a child so soon.
This experience has been hard and will continue to be hard, and I also know that I will continue to feel the difficult emotions that come with grieving over the death of a child. Darwin and I are both so grateful for the amazing peace and comfort we have felt and continue to feel. We have been so blessed by the love and support of our wonderful family, friends, doctor and staff, and our ward members. (Thanks again, Trace for taking such great care of Aurora for us!) We are so grateful for the thoughts and prayers in our behalf, including the ones unknown to us. We have certainly felt their impact.

We love you, Nastassia!

Until we meet again, baby girl.
xoxoxo