Healing

I guess I've been trying to hold off with writing this post.  Honestly, because it's painful.  Probably not as painful for you to read as it is for me to type.  I totally understand that mourning and grief are so very personal, but even if no one reads this it helps for me to write it.

I miss Nastassia.

It's confusing to my mind sometimes to know my heart is missing the beautiful baby girl that came and went in my life so quickly and I didn't even get the chance to know her.  My heart yearns for the princess we could have had.  A special princess. One with Trisomy 21.  My heart hurts every time I see a child with Down Syndrome.  It yearns to reach out and give them a huge hug and sometimes I want to scream "I want MY Down Syndrome baby!"  I know life with Nastassia would not have been easy and downright overwhelming sometimes, but oh! so rewarding at the same time.  But it was not to be.

I feel like my heart and my head are in a constant battle between knowing Nastassia is in a better place and that she doesn't have to suffer and at the same time knowing I still want her to be here with me, with her daddy, and her big sister Aurora.

I think my emotions are surfacing more again because my due date is coming up in less than 3 short weeks and I don't have a baby to deliver.  It hurts to know I won't be going to the hospital to deliver our baby next month.  It's hard to see other pregnant women due to have babies around the same time.  I try to be happy for them and I'm not intentionally trying to hold anything against them.  I know I have my own issues I'm dealing with still.  My heart is still trying to heal.

At times (especially recently) I find myself sobbing because the smallest trigger has brought back all the emotions of losing Nastassia and my arms yearn to hold her.  Yet other times I'm perfectly content with knowing she's with our Father in Heaven and surrounded by so many who have already returned who love her and us too.  Like I said, it's a constant battle.

I've had several tender, spiritual experiences that have been TREMENDOUS blessings and beautiful glimpses that I know are gifts from Heavenly Father to help heal my still broken heart.  I think it will always be broken, with a hole in it.  The hole might get smaller as time passes, at least I'm hoping it does, but there will always be a gap in our family where Nastassia should be.  I am so grateful for having the truth of the gospel in my life.  I don't know how people get through trials like this, or harder, without the enabling power of Christ's atonement.  I know I couldn't get through this without His help and the loving support of my sweet husband.  I'm so glad to have him here to hold me when I need to cry.  He's the best.

As I've been trying to catch up on my Ensign reading lately, I've come across several articles talking about the grace of Jesus Christ.  Every time I read anything about His grace or mercy, I'm reminded how perfect Nastassia Grace is the name that fits perfectly with our angel baby, and for helping me deal with losing her.

The Bible dictionary says about Grace:
"The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ.
"It is through the grace of the Lord Jesus, made possible by his atoning sacrifice, that mankind will be raised in immortality, every person receiving his body from the grave in a condition of everlasting life.  It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts."

Those words bring comfort to my heart.

We talk about baby sister with Aurora.  She can even say "Stassia" now.  I really feel like she is aware of her sister and I love when she looks at my Mother's Day necklace or the picture hanging in our living room and she wants to talk about Stassia. 

One of the hardest parts about grief for me is when you're still stuck in it and the rest of the world has moved on.  Sometimes it's hard when people don't ask me how I'm doing anymore.  I still hurt.  I know I probably look like I'm doing fine on the outside, and most of the time I really am, but there's always a part of me thinking about Nastassia and wanting to have her here.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of her.  A hundred times a day at least.  Even though she's not here with me physically, she is very much a part of my life--in my thoughts and in my heart.

I miss you, baby girl!  My arms look forward to the time I can hold you and rock you and kiss your little cheeks and raise you as my own.

Props to you if you read my ranting.  Sometimes it helps to let out the thoughts and feelings I've been holding in for so long.

Wild Flowers at Snowbird

Last Wednesday my BFF, Tracee, called me up and asked if we wanted to spend the afternoon with her and the kids adventuring up at Snowbird for wild flowers.  Dar ended up being a little bit late for scouts, but I'm so glad he came with us and that we decided to join the adventure.  We all felt bad that we ditched Jared because he had to work, but it was so much fun any way and I totally look forward to doing it again!

We rode the Tram to get to the top of the mountain

On the Tram looking up the mountain

 Aurora and Mr. P had front row seats and the best viewing spot

 Completely relaxed and ready for the ride

 It really was pretty cool to ride the Tram, despite my nervousness and slight fear of heights.  Aurora certainly loved it.

 Our family at the top of the mountain

 Cool shot looking down the valley

 Wild flowers!

 Yeah, she still fits in the carrier, although I'm more determined to get a cool hiking carrier like Tracee has for P after this trip

 Trace and her kidlets, and probably the ONLY picture we got of P not doing gangster signs with his hands the whole trip

 Us again :)

 Beautiful flower shots

(Dar took a ton, but I'm only posting a few)

 

 

I like this photo of us

 Dar sneaked in a shot of himself :)

Aurora spotted a "birdie" and it was really cool that it flew around over us for several minutes.  Dar got quite a few shots of it, but this one is my favorite

 Aurora had to hold hands with everyone at some point on our adventure.  I love that she and P liked holding hands the most though.  Cute babies.

 We walked through a cool tunnel on our way to the ski lift to take us back down the mountain

 I was really pretty nervous to ride the ski lift back down the mountain and really thought I wanted to hike back up to the Tram for the ride back down, but I was determined to give the ski lift a try (I've only ridden a lift up the mountain a couple of times to ride the Alpine Slide in Park City, and it's been several years).  I made Dar strap Rori to him before we got on though.  Having her strapped to me would have made me even more nervous.

 Dar and Aurora on the lift

(Love her hair blowing in the breeze, and that you can see my reflection in Dar's glasses)

 Tracee and the kids were in front of us

 I really did enjoy the ride after we got past the first couple of towers...see?  I'm smiling :)

 I think it was about here that I told Dar I really wanted to see the moose Tracee's brother had told us about.  Just then, Dar saw some movement off to our right, and there was totally a moose!! We only caught a glimpse of it and didn't get any pictures.  But it totally made the trip that much better--moose are my favorite animals for anyone who didn't know.

 

 

Thanks again for the invite, Tracee.  We love going on adventures with our favorite Aussies!!  Next time we promise not to go without you Jared.  It just wasn't the same without you!

P.S.  Check out Tracee's post on our trip here.  She has some cool pictures too, and some facts and details I didn't include in our post :)

Ponytail

My BFF, Tracee, watched Aurora for us on Saturday so we could go to the temple (see post below).  When we picked her up Tracee had given Aurora her very first ponytail!! I admit, I've been too chicken to do it myself.  My child has very limited hair to work with. . . she takes after her Momma as a baby in the hair arena.  Aurora LOVED her ponytail, and wanted to wear her hair in a ponytail for church on Sunday so I gave in to her request.  Everybody loved her teeny little ponytail sticking straight up, and I couldn't help but chuckle every time I looked at it.  The good thing is: we're making progress on the hair growth! Yay!

 She loved looking at her ponytail in the mirror and would laugh at herself like it was the funniest joke ever.  Silly girl :)

 

Now we're just waiting to get enough hair to do pigtails!

Tradition

For our anniversary every year we like to go to the temple to do sealings.  It's a great way to help others get the work done that they can no longer do for themselves, and to remember the promises and covenants we made to each other and our Father in Heaven when we were sealed.  I'm so glad we started that tradition from the beginning.  It's something I always look forward to.

We didn't get any pictures of us at the temple when we went to do sealings, but we did get a picture of ourselves in front of the restaurant we ate at to celebrate our anniversary.  It's a nice, local restaurant, with a great atmosphere and yummy food!

Our traditional picture of ourselves is a must :)

On Sunday, we took Aurora to the temple so she knows where we go when we take her to play with her cousins (thank you, family!! You know who you are!).  I've been wanting to get a picture of her in front of the temple to hang in her room.  I think we got at least a couple of winners :)

 

 

 Beautiful Provo Temple

 Our little family

 Cool shot Dar took.  He's been putting his father's day present (a tripod) to really good use :)

 She wanted to be in the water SO badly!

 I promise I didn't let her put her feet in it . . .

 . . . just her hands :)

 Silly little girl picked a pretty flower, so I made her wear it

 Me :)

 Love you, handsome man!!

We had a pretty laid back anniversary this year, but it was so nice to celebrate the way we did.  Yay for anniversaries!

Seven

It's always fun when our anniversary rolls around to reflect on our years together.  It's amazing how much has happened and how much we've changed in the last seven years, but our love for each other has only grown stronger.  We've certainly had some challenges (especially in the last couple of years with certain trials and things) as any couple does, but we've also had a ton of really amazing experiences and indescribable times together.  That's what life and marriage is all about, isn't it?  Learning and growing TOGETHER.  Becoming stronger and supporting each other TOGETHER.  Going through the hard times and the good times TOGETHER.  What's great about it all is that I get to experience all of that TOGETHER-ness with my Darwin.  And the best part of it all is that we've been married in the temple, and we can make that TOGETHER last FOREVER!!

Love you, Bunches!
Happy Anniversary!!

xoxoxo

Just for kicks

We haven't had a whole lot going on around here to thrill anyone enough to post anything :)  Darwin was gone all last week (6 days!) on a camp-out with the scouts in our ward, so Aurora and I just hung out and anxiously waited for Daddy to come home, but we enjoyed it being just us girls too.  We were SO glad to have him back for so many reasons!  We love having our Daddy around!  Things just are definitely not the same around here without him.

When there's nothing super exciting to post about (or even when there is) I always post about our princess.  Can't help it.  Here are some pictures of the Babs from July. 

 She loves to look at her "boops" (She says it like "book" but with a "p" at the end)

She definitely has her fav's that are frequently pulled off the shelf and loving looked through

 

 One of the many times of playing in the window.  She was being super goofy and making her face funky with the string from the blinds (don't worry, we're always right there next to her when she's in the window playing with the blinds strings).

 Aunt Shannon gave her these fun alphabet and letter toys for the tub for her birthday.  We've found that they're also great as earrings and nose plugs :)

 Playing dress-up in our closet, a frequent occurrence :)

Hopefully we'll have more to post about in the next little while.  Until then, happy reading!