Healing

I guess I've been trying to hold off with writing this post.  Honestly, because it's painful.  Probably not as painful for you to read as it is for me to type.  I totally understand that mourning and grief are so very personal, but even if no one reads this it helps for me to write it.

I miss Nastassia.

It's confusing to my mind sometimes to know my heart is missing the beautiful baby girl that came and went in my life so quickly and I didn't even get the chance to know her.  My heart yearns for the princess we could have had.  A special princess. One with Trisomy 21.  My heart hurts every time I see a child with Down Syndrome.  It yearns to reach out and give them a huge hug and sometimes I want to scream "I want MY Down Syndrome baby!"  I know life with Nastassia would not have been easy and downright overwhelming sometimes, but oh! so rewarding at the same time.  But it was not to be.

I feel like my heart and my head are in a constant battle between knowing Nastassia is in a better place and that she doesn't have to suffer and at the same time knowing I still want her to be here with me, with her daddy, and her big sister Aurora.

I think my emotions are surfacing more again because my due date is coming up in less than 3 short weeks and I don't have a baby to deliver.  It hurts to know I won't be going to the hospital to deliver our baby next month.  It's hard to see other pregnant women due to have babies around the same time.  I try to be happy for them and I'm not intentionally trying to hold anything against them.  I know I have my own issues I'm dealing with still.  My heart is still trying to heal.

At times (especially recently) I find myself sobbing because the smallest trigger has brought back all the emotions of losing Nastassia and my arms yearn to hold her.  Yet other times I'm perfectly content with knowing she's with our Father in Heaven and surrounded by so many who have already returned who love her and us too.  Like I said, it's a constant battle.

I've had several tender, spiritual experiences that have been TREMENDOUS blessings and beautiful glimpses that I know are gifts from Heavenly Father to help heal my still broken heart.  I think it will always be broken, with a hole in it.  The hole might get smaller as time passes, at least I'm hoping it does, but there will always be a gap in our family where Nastassia should be.  I am so grateful for having the truth of the gospel in my life.  I don't know how people get through trials like this, or harder, without the enabling power of Christ's atonement.  I know I couldn't get through this without His help and the loving support of my sweet husband.  I'm so glad to have him here to hold me when I need to cry.  He's the best.

As I've been trying to catch up on my Ensign reading lately, I've come across several articles talking about the grace of Jesus Christ.  Every time I read anything about His grace or mercy, I'm reminded how perfect Nastassia Grace is the name that fits perfectly with our angel baby, and for helping me deal with losing her.

The Bible dictionary says about Grace:
"The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ.
"It is through the grace of the Lord Jesus, made possible by his atoning sacrifice, that mankind will be raised in immortality, every person receiving his body from the grave in a condition of everlasting life.  It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts."

Those words bring comfort to my heart.

We talk about baby sister with Aurora.  She can even say "Stassia" now.  I really feel like she is aware of her sister and I love when she looks at my Mother's Day necklace or the picture hanging in our living room and she wants to talk about Stassia. 

One of the hardest parts about grief for me is when you're still stuck in it and the rest of the world has moved on.  Sometimes it's hard when people don't ask me how I'm doing anymore.  I still hurt.  I know I probably look like I'm doing fine on the outside, and most of the time I really am, but there's always a part of me thinking about Nastassia and wanting to have her here.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of her.  A hundred times a day at least.  Even though she's not here with me physically, she is very much a part of my life--in my thoughts and in my heart.

I miss you, baby girl!  My arms look forward to the time I can hold you and rock you and kiss your little cheeks and raise you as my own.

Props to you if you read my ranting.  Sometimes it helps to let out the thoughts and feelings I've been holding in for so long.