Half Way

Half way through this pregnancy already.  140 days to go till our due date.  Seriously?!  Yep.  I'm 20 weeks today, and if this baby comes early like Aurora did, I'm actually more than half way.  That's CRAZY!!  This pregnancy definitely feels like it's going faster than Aurora's for sure.  And partly faster than Nastassia's.  Nastassia's went fast up until we found out there were problems, and then time seemed to slow WAY down.  It still boggles my mind that it was only about 3 weeks from the time we found out Nastassia had problems until we lost her because it feels like it was an eternity.  This pregnancy probably feels like it's gone really quickly because we waited so long to tell people we were expecting.  We didn't even tell our families until 16 weeks.

This pregnancy has been kind of crazy for me.  Luckily things have calmed down emotionally since we've had two ultrasounds now that confirm that this baby looks normal and healthy.  What a relief and a huge blessing!  I really struggled internally for a while, especially towards the beginning, because I wanted so badly to be pregnant--and I was happy to be pregnant--but I was still grieving over losing Nastassia, and pretty terrified of losing another one.  Thus part of the confusion and conflict I mentioned in this post back in August.  No one knew we were pregnant yet, and I was struggling with trying to be happy about being pregnant but wanting so badly to have Nastassia here too.  I didn't want to feel like we were just replacing her because she is our daughter too.  She is part of our family, and she made such a huge impact on our hearts in the short time we had her.  It's amazing how time heals wounds and grief though.  Once we past Nastassia's due date, we got past the 6 month mark of losing Nastassia, we found out things looked good with baby #3, and we got past the 16.5 week mark with this pregnancy (which is when we lost Nastassia), I've been able to relax a lot more and I haven't shed nearly as many tears since then.  I'm not totally healed from my grief--I don't think I ever will be.  However, I am grateful for milestones and the ability to pick myself up and move on.  I still think of Nastassia a hundred times a day or more.  She will always be a part of me and a part of our family (here I go with the tears!! Ahh!) but I am now grateful to be able to look forward with much excitement and anticipation of meeting this new little sweetie and having her join our family too.

Physically I have felt really pretty good for the most part.  I was only queasy for the first 8 weeks or so but I've never thrown up.  I'm grateful my nose hasn't been sensitive this time like it was with Aurora, and I'm glad to say I'm still eating meat :)  I do feel slightly more tired 2nd trimester than I did 1st trimester, but the doctor said it's probably because I'm chasing an active toddler around all day.  She's probably right.

If you noticed the new widget we added to the left side bar, this little girl of ours already has a name.  We're going to name her Savannah Belle, which was actually our first pick for Aurora (since we got married, really), but it just didn't seem right to use it for her.  Aurora is Aurora and that's how it was supposed to be.  We were determined to use Savannah for Nastassia, but it wasn't the right name for her either, so third time's the charm, right?

I started feeling her little flutters around 14.5 weeks, which I was super surprised about and did not expect that early.  But I haven't been able to feel her move nearly as much or as strongly as I could with Aurora at this point because the placenta is attached to the front of my uterus and acts as a big cushion so I can't feel the movement as well.  I am grateful to know the location of the placenta though, otherwise I might be freaking out a bit.  I first felt Aurora move at 16 weeks and Darwin first felt her move around 19.5 weeks (the day we had our ultrasound and found out she was a girl) but I can't even feel Savannah moving enough to feel her movements on the outside with my hand yet.  All in good time.  I hope.  Feeling the baby move is my favorite part about being pregnant.

I had my 3rd ultrasound today.  Dar couldn't come because he had to work, but my BFF Tracee was a great fill-in.  Thanks again, Trace, for coming with me and managing Aurora so she could come too!  It was great to get the confirmation that the baby looks healthy and normal and that she's still definitely a girl.  Even though I really thought we were having a boy (I had had 3 dreams we were having a boy, and I hoped having a boy would help me deal with losing Nastassia better too) I'm totally okay now with knowing we're having another girl.  Aurora was excited to see her "sister" on the screen, but not as into it as with Nastassia.  Rori was more interested in playing games on my phone this time.  Silly girl.  Darwin is excited about having another girl too.  We like Aurora so much we're excited to have two little sweeties running around our house!

Enough with the words though, enjoy the pictures!  (I'm posting pictures from my 16 week ultrasound and my 20 week ultrasound today.  Just FYI.)

Skeleton face shot - she just wanted to be a part of our costume theme for Halloween, I guess :)

 

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 Still definitely a girl :)

 I love that you can see her face in this one, and her left arm

(oh yeah, and the placenta cushion that makes it harder for me to feel her)

Stretched out spine, and another good shot of the placenta

Yay for babies!! Can't wait to meet you, little one!  But not too early.  We want you healthy and happy.  March 23rd would be good.  Let's aim for then.